LAILA'S EXPERIMENT: how I got here
LAILA'S EXPERIMENT: SETTING UP THE TABLE
(Shared to the Experiment list on Jan 22)
Before I start sharing how this experiment is going so far, I wanted to give you some context about who I am & where this way of running my business comes from.
Before I start sharing how this experiment is going so far, I wanted to give you some context about who I am & where this way of running my business comes from.
I’m not sharing this for sympathy. No one has had a perfect childhood, and I truly am grateful for mine because it brought me exactly where I am today. but I do believe that owning our stories is one of the keys to unlocking our deepest shadows. And personally, nothing has contributed more to my own growth than hearing others share similar stories to mine.
I’ve also come to realize (through myself & friends) that as business owners, the way we run our businesses is often a direct reflection of our internal stories.
So this is where we start:
For the past few years, on the outside, harly jae has looked steady. Consistent. Productive.
Almost one launch every week. We checked all the boxes: try-ons, measurements, photoshoots, sizing emails, etc.
Almost one launch every week. We checked all the boxes: try-ons, measurements, photoshoots, sizing emails, etc.
But behind the scenes, that meant living in constant motion.
Not much foresight.
A lot of real-time decisions.
Always adjusting. Always reacting. Always needing to be “on.”
Not much foresight.
A lot of real-time decisions.
Always adjusting. Always reacting. Always needing to be “on.”
For a long time, I told myself this was just what building a business looked like.
Until life got very heavy & a quiet voice in my head kept whispering that there had to be a better way.
But this pattern didn’t start with my business.
I grew up in a small town outside of Québec city. My parents had me very young and separated shortly after my first birthday. My mom went through many boyfriends while I was growing up. I saw my dad every second weekend, but he wasn’t really a father figure in my life.
From as far back as I have memories, I always felt like an inconvenience.
Like no one had really wished to be responsible for me.
Like a mistake in their timeline.
Like no one had really wished to be responsible for me.
Like a mistake in their timeline.
I was that mistake.
So I grew up without anywhere that truly felt like home. and when you grow up without a safe place to land (without feeling loved or accepted simply for who you are) you learn to perform.
I learned very early that just being me was not enough.
So I became helpful.
Productive.
Capable.
Productive.
Capable.
Doing became the way I proved my worth.
By the time I was ten, I was already planning my escape. I remember asking my mom if I could store things in the crawlspace for when I would move out one day. I just knew I wanted out. Of that house. Of that town. Of that feeling.
And I did leave.
At seventeen for college. Then Miami. Then Ireland. Then the west coast of Canada. I thought I’d stay one year in Vancouver & I never left. It felt right.
Being far from home gave me the chance to reinvent myself. To figure out who I was without the burden of hiding those childhood feelings.
And I did reinvent myself, to a degree.
I built a life. A brand. A family. Something I’m deeply proud of.
I built a life. A brand. A family. Something I’m deeply proud of.
But now, at 35, I can feel how much of that building came from survival.
From proving.
From not wanting to take up space.
From proving.
From not wanting to take up space.
From never wanting to be a burden.
And this is where everything connects.
The way I’ve been running my business mirrors the way I’ve lived my life.
Always pushing.
Always producing.
Always making sure I’m useful.
Always afraid to slow down.
Always producing.
Always making sure I’m useful.
Always afraid to slow down.
Because somewhere deep down, slowing down still feels unsafe.
Like if I’m not doing enough, I might not be enough.
As though my kids might not get enough.
Like if I’m not doing enough, I might not be enough.
As though my kids might not get enough.
And then my body stepped in.
About a year and a half ago,Ii was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s. And if i’m honest, instead of slowing down, I went into full control mode.
More supplements.
More appointments.
More appointments.
All of it meant more pressure. More expenses. More planning. More stress.
I slowly realized I was spending an enormous amount of energy (and money) just trying to feel “okay.” And that in itself became another source of anxiety. Every month felt heavier. Like I had to earn the right to feel well.
Then this December, my lab results came back. And it was impossible to ignore anymore that what I had been doing wasn’t working. And an inner knowing came through very clearly.
My body wasn’t asking for more discipline.
It wasn’t asking for more control.
It was asking for less:
It wasn’t asking for more control.
It was asking for less:
Less pressure.
Less output.
Less constant doing.
Less output.
Less constant doing.
For the first time in my life, doing less actually started to make me feel better.
And that realization hit me hard because it’s the exact opposite of how I’ve lived.
But slowing down is exactly what my body is asking for now.
And it’s exactly what my business is asking for too.
And it’s exactly what my business is asking for too.
So this is me setting the table:
For a different pace.
For a different way of working.
For a different way of living.
For a different way of working.
For a different way of living.
Because I want to build something that can hold real life.
Thank you for being here while I figure it out.